Segue Segue reports the following:  
Dateline:  November 6, 1998 - NEW YORK CITY: 

I had been staking out the MTA (Metro Transit Authority) central routing office at 42nd street under intermediate cover as a transit malcontent and all around slacker.  What I was really doing was setting up what we at the brotherhood call a ìFax Slam Arrayî.  Itís based on the theory of particle flipping that occurs in older fax machines and copiers with transfer drums.  It works just like a Cat Scan at the hospital.  Charged particles on the drum temporarily rotate or ìFlipî  when hit with a like charge (remember your grade school science lessons?).  The pattern of particles is what picks up toner and forms an image on your fax or copy.  Well when those little buggers do the ìFlipî they emit small dosages of radiation in the form of low frequency radio waves.  Itís not enough to make your genitals glow, but if you have the right equipment, (We use the Radio Shack Low Freq. Particle Emissions Potentiometer Kit - Part # RS5217-44) and are within 12 feet of the device, you can capture a pretty picture of whatever that sneaky office drone was copying or receiving on a fax. 

Well I digress, After capturing over 10,000 useless ìflip transmissionsî  me and the brothers hit pay dirt.  We captured the now legendary fax transmission we call 10,001, To: Arturo Winky, Special Projects Coordinator, Mayorís Office -- From: Johnny Waldorf, Assistant to the Commissioner,  MTA Information Agency.  

The Fax 10,001 reads as follows: 

Begin Fax Transmission - 

Art, 

As of the mid September stats, there are signs that we are entering the seasonal bump in turnstile click-counts that you refer to as ìThe Fall Harvestî.  I am a bit disturbed that this now predictable phenomenon seems to be initiating several weeks in advance of previous recorded years.  This may result in an overage of anomalies exceeding the excepted range.  

Lets, cut to the chase here Art, I can keep things under control as long as weíre talking double digits - but if it breaks into triple digits - well nobody can be expected to deal with this.  New York is a big city, but not so big that a 100 ìdisplaced packagesî wonít show up on someoneís radar screen. I have been involved with project ìHansel and Grettalî since itís inception in the 70ís and we are no closer to figuring this out, let alone controlling it. 

If we do not fin1287 *& -+_?><)_  09_(2 7** ** 98()* 2123^ `~+=+ 9-09 * ..  -     ..  .. ...--- - . - . -- .. g .d.. -asd ;ad .........  

End Fax Transmission - -  

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At this point we lost the remainder of the fax due to a flaw in the Radio Shack Low Freq. Particle Emissions Potentiometer Kit which only allows it to record 256k of data before it switches to itís default setting as a 24 hr weather radio and talking clock. 
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We at the brotherhood believe that this confirms what we have been trying to uncover for years ? Project ìHansel and Grettalî is a 21 year old study of the Subway Abduction phenomenon that was first reported when a group of 11 Naval Flyerís disappeared mysteriously while on shore leave in New York City back in 1974.  Apparently the 11 pilots disappeared somewhere in a subway zone that the MTA has nicknamed ìEl Diabloís Trapezoidî.  A quadrilateral area of the City bordered at the North East by the ìPleasure Domeî -  a sophisticated adult entertainment multi-plex, and on the Southwest by ìBillyís Toplessî a not-so-sophisticated center for the jiggly arts.  

The 11 pilots were last seen at 2:07 AM exiting ìBillyís Toplessî.  Joey Bloat who was working as a Customer Relations Attendant at BTís that evening said he over heard one of the gentlemen say ìIím gonna get me some Red Hots and one of them flim flams with the dancin monkey shoesî.  One of his companions was heard replying ìYou ainít got a pot to dick in with no fancy monkey shoes or not! Lets go get them red hots anyways - I hear yaî.  The rest of the conversation was unintelligible.  Mr. Bloat reports seeing the pilots stumble down the steps of the ìFî train entrance on 23rd st.  And that was the last time anybody saw the 19th Flight Squadron.  

When recently questioned about the incident, Mr. Bloat felt that the pilots appeared strangely entranced by the prospect of the ìRed Hotsî, ìFlim Flamsî and the lure of ìFancy Dancin Monkey Shoesî.  ìBut what does it all mean?î Mr. Bloat asks, still disturbed by that strange evening. 

The MTA and the Mayorís Office quickly slammed the lid shut on the whole affair claiming that ìOur Flyboys will eventually show up, theyíre just blowing off a little steam here in the Big Appleî.  24 years later, the number of unexplained Subway Passenger Abductions is estimated in the thousands. 

Secret Agent Monkey reports that secretly the MTA is baffled by the Abductions but is afraid of the mass hysteria that would result if the true story was to go public.  

ìWhy do you think they installed counting devices in the turnstiles back in 1976? They keep track of revenue through token sales.  What they canít account for is a deficit of nearly 80 people each year that click through -- but never click out.  I donít know about you, but if Iím caught in El Diabloís Trapezoid after dark, Iím cabing it home!î added Secret Agent Monkey. 
 
 

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Segue Segue and the Monks of Repetition Leading Theories on Subway Abduction: 
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1>  Alien Abduction Theory:  People like to believe that Alien Abduction reports only come from lonely rural inbreds that crave attention during the lulls in the TV season.  Not True!  The city is fertile hunting ground for insatiably curious aliens looking for easy prey. 

2>  2 Words-- ìMole Peopleî:  The legendary subterranean mole people of  New York City are dying off due to infertility caused by high voltage power cables buried in the ground by surface dwellers.  What better way could there be to infuse their impotent masses with sturdy breeding stock than to hand pick them from our over-sexed go-go be damned MTV crave-culture. 

3>  Spontaneous Excretory Combustion:  For years, scientist and doctors have theorized that if you mix just the right combinations of DNA (tiny strands of information that form the very building blocks of life), the results would be explosive!  

Dr. Hindlestat explained it best:  ìÜnder Lieban, imagine a tiny atom bomb igniting in your bowels - a tremendous flash of sub-atomic energy and then KA-POOT!! into ze void for you, mien friend!î  

The unsuspecting commuter grabs hold of a strap or post on the train and unknowingly mingles his DNA with the broth of humanity that forms the greasy residue coating the interior of a New York subway car and in a flash spontaneously combust leaving roughly two teaspoons of super-heated crud on the trainís floor.  Hardly anyone takes notice! 

4>  Renegade Cannibalistic Cults in the MTA:  A small cult discovered within the MTA formed by cannibalistic train conductors was supposedly disbanded back in the early 80ís.  The conductors were harshly reprimanded and suspended for two weeks without pay for eating several late night passengers and then displaying their shoes as trophies.  The conductors escaped prosecution by the DA due to a plea bargain that stated ìLate shift train conductors are really, really hard to find! besides, you should see the ones we turned down for the job.î  It was then explained to the Mayor that Late Shift Conductors are subjected to long shifts and rarely get bathroom or food breaks.  ìOnce the boredom sets in, you're likely to try anythingî stated one of the accused trained conductors who was upset over the penalties. 

Could this cult still be in existence and slowly increasing itís bloated numbers on plump New York commuters? 
 

More to follow.....