The Horrified Look (a love story in too many words)
continued

The success of their interchanges alone had not put them entirely at friendly ease with one another, but continued association was beginning to. Even as his longings for her became ever more insistent, he grew to be more comfortable around her, and she did likewise. They now expressed openly, although not in words, their preference for one another¼s company. In moments of weakness, he confessed to her friends how he sometimes felt about her, although, he insisted, he would do nothing so long as her lover remained. He was sure that this intelligence was shared.

It was here that he made what turned out to be the second Mistake. Although there had been rumblings afoot that her relationship with her lover would not last, tumultuous relationships, with their attendant breaks and reconciliations were too much a commonplace for him to have placed much personal stock in the rumors. Besides, even if a cessation were complete, there would for some time be debris to be navigated. In a moment of drunkenness and fatigue, he slept with one of her friends.

At the time, he was thinking about the possible repercussions of his soon-to-be act, saying to the girl that their liaison mustn't be confused with something lasting, that their (limited) friendship should continue as it was; they were only two people alone, about to do something natural and beneficial. He awoke disturbed and disgusted, paced for an hour and went home.

Time passed, and the two continued to see one another. She was, at times distant, although he was unable to separate from this the geography of the social situations in which they found themselves. Soon thereafter, they had another conversation, which snapped the final thread which held him from an inward declaration of love. The liaison dimmed with time, and he became distracted, erratic. He wrote poems and lengthy reflections. He began to despair of finding means to share her company, and when he did, somehow found the inner strength to appear noncommittal (although whether he actually did appear so has not been determined). He jumped at the mention of her name, spoke to her friends at length about her, and was clearly obsessed. At one point, he confided to one of her friends that he could think 'of little else but her.'

Still, he was at this time quite reserved. She was still with her lover, and he would not encroach upon such a situation. But the news soon came: she had broken it off with him, and was, to all accounts firm in her decision.

His imagination soared. Although he had trepidations that they would reunite, or that she would become distracted with recrimination, she was finally a possibility. As any philosopher will tell you, it's the possibility that's important, reality being merely a crutch for weak imaginations. He devised plans and scenarios in the hundreds for broaching his feelings to her. He cast and recast endlessly the contents of the moment when their lips would first brush together. Still, he knew he would have to wait until things settled in the wake of the former lover. Although his patience was tortured, the anticipation was delicious.

One night, a large group of friends went out to dinner. Neither he nor she knew many of them, and fate conspired to put them at opposite ends of a long table. It is his contention that both of them spent the meal consumed with thoughts of one another, although he could easily have been mistaken.

The evening progressed into night, the meal ended, and there were preparations for returning home. They got in a car with three other people, she sitting in the passenger seat and he directly behind. On the way, she asked him if she were the center of his universe, and he, bloodlessly (it had all drained into his stomach at the question), said yes. She told him that they shouldn't be out of each other¼s company for more than three days at a time. Blissed, he agreed.

Through the rest of the evening, their banter with one another was muted, comfortable, knowing. He wondered whether he should attempt to touch her, but shyness held him, justified by the idea that it was too soon after her breakup (5 weeks?), and that there would be time. On the train which was the final leg of their journey home, she had her magical smile exposed, and it seared his flesh. Although he had had almost nothing to drink, he grew tongue-tied and sluggish. He left the train with a longing look in her direction which he was sure she reciprocated. He spent the night, sleepless, thinking he should have walked her home.

But this was it! He was sure now that she felt something for him. Angels, in their heavenly choirs, the whole nine. Now it was just a matter of conquering his shyness in the right setting. More distracted than ever, he wrote more poems, became brash where before he had been subtle, direct instead of nuanced. He was very, very happy.

So, one night, when he called her at home, and one of her friends answered (betraying no hint of awareness of the significance of his having called for her) and said that she was studying at a coffeeshop nearby, he physically grabbed his roommate and dragged him there.

When they arrived, she was nowhere in sight. He sighed, ordered food, and chatted inconsequentially with his roommate. As their food arrived, the roommate reported seeing her cross the street, in their direction. Of course, he thought, she had had other errands to run before arriving. She was coming, and he would see her. Crucially, he hadn't in mind a course of action, or even principles in place to direct them. He drank faster.

She came and sat next to them, saying that she would chat for a half an hour or so, and proceed to her work. He experienced a monumental attack of shyness, to which the only recourse at hand was, he thought, alcohol. He ate only half of his dinner, and noticed that she was perhaps feeling a little awkward in the presence of his roommate, although he couldn¼t imagine how much more so it would have been with just the two of them. It occurred to him that they had spent very little time alone together. They chatted about her studies, and he continued to drink.

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