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| Disk-O Funnies: Jokes by Hilary Lloyd, Illustrations by Paul Jeffries |
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A farmer walks into a bar with a three-legged pig. He props the pig on a barstool, sits down himself and orders drinks for both of them. The bartender, his interest piqued, asks, "What's so special about the pig?" The farmer explains that one night, not long ago, a fire started in his house and this pig dragged him and his entire family to safety. And that now he feels obligated to treat the pig well. "Oh," says the bartender "and the pig lost its leg in the fire?" "No" replies the farmer, "a pig this special you just don't eat all at once."
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The guy sits and has a beer. Suddenly, the monkey runs over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it hole. The bartender points and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy responds,"That monkey has a filthy habit of eating anything it fancies. Just charge me for anything he eats." A week later the guy and the monkey return. Soon thereafter the monkey grabs a cherry off the floor, shoves it up his ass, pulls it back out and eats it. Flabbergasted the bartender asks "Did you see what your monkey just did? That's disgusting." The guy replies "I saw. He used to just eat things but now, after that cue ball incident last week, he measures everything for size. 
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. The bartender explains that ferocious, wild animals are not welcome in the bar. The guy explains that this is a very tame alligator. By way of proving so, the guy pulls out his penis, opens the alligator's mouth, places his penis inside, and closes the alligator's mouth and then proceeds to beat the alligator on the head with a beer bottle. After removing his penis and demonstrating that it is unharmed, the guy inquires as to whether anyone else would like to try this. A little old lady near the back says, "I'd like to try, you just can't hit me with that beer bottle."
A guy wals into a bar with a termite. The termite asks, "Hey, is the bartenter here."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack - and died. So the wife picked up the cord and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......You either married it or gave birth to it. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes: Are
you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding? Top 45 Oxymorons: 45. Act naturally 44. Found missing 43. Resident alien 42. Advanced BASIC 41. Genuine imitation 40. Airline Food 39. Good grief 38. Same difference 37. Almost exactly 36. Government organization 35. Sanitary landfill 34. Alone together 33. Legally drunk 32. Silent scream 31. Living dead 30. Small crowd 29. Business ethics 28. Soft rock 27. Butt Head 26. Military Intelligence 25. Software documentation 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. "Now, then ..." 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Political science 8. Tight slacks 7. Definite maybe 6. Pretty ugly 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake 4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works
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