A Ventriloquist cowboy walks into
town and sees Indian sitting near his pad.
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog! Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: Dog no talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?
Dog: Doin' alright.
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: look of disbelief
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going? Horse: Cool!
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect
me from the elements.
Indian: total look of amazement
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep Lie!!
The
Cowboy
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat,
jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat
down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned
to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole
life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending
fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked
her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not
a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole whole
day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch
TV, EVERYTHING seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered
another drink. As he sat sipping it, deep in thought
and with a look of disbelief and wonder on his face,
a couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a
real cowboy?"
To which he which he replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Two Cowboys from Texas were sitting
at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a
hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned
to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad
time. I'm agonna go over there and help." He ran over
to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his
big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping,
she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still
gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked
up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the
piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya
know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver
always works."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped
at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had
a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his
drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back
into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped
his guns into the air, caught them above his head without
even looking and fired at the ceiling. Which one of you
sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss
ain't back outside by the time I finnish, I'm gonna
do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to
do what I dun in Texas!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another
beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he
swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of
town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked,
"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."
Two cowboys were traveling through the Badlands when
one was thrown from his horse and bitten on his penis
by a rattlesnake. Neither knew what to do so they decided
that the one who was bitten would stay there and rest
while the other rode back to town to ask the doctor's
advice.
Upon finding the doctor, the cowboy was informed that
he should make two incisions near the bite and then
suck the poison from the wound. The cowboy wordlessly
took in this information. He then rode back to find
his friend. As he rode up, his stricken friend, now
quite panicked, asked' "What did the doctor say?"
He promptly replied, " The Doc says, you're gonna
die!"
The new cowpoke arrived at the
isolated ranch and almost immediately asked one of the
old hands what they did for fun around there. The old
hand told him bronc-busting, shooting and lassoing competitions.
The young man said, "No, I mean, what do you do for
sex around here?"
"Oh," the old man replied, "Usually,
we sneak out back at night, find a horse and then we
ride! We 'go to town', if you know what I mean."
The young man was appalled by the thought of this behavior.
But after two weeks of celibacy, his hormones overcame
him and decided to give it a try.
As he was going at it with the horse, the rest of the
bunkhouse roared with laughter. "I thought this
is what you all did," he stammered.
"No, you young fool," said the old hand,
"we get on the horse, ride into town and find some
whores."
When Hell Freezes Over
The following is an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, which
is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
The Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and
heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: "First,
we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with
time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are
moving into Hell and therate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Some of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions, and
since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa
Banyan during my Freshman year-"...that it will be a
cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."-and take
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded
in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot
be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and will not freeze.
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN.
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.
Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization,
he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty.
More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced
to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when
he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out,
"Water..." A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied
sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.
However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he
brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need
water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here
where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength
to drag his parched body the distance to the second
tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the
door of the tent and collapsed. Another Bedouin, dressed
in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and inquired,
"May I help you sir?" "Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you
can't come in here without a tie!"
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