NEW YORK CITY - In a stunning reversal of fortune, two suspects in the Central Park "wilding" attacks were acquitted of all charges after claiming that watching a Clint Eastwood western movie marathon is what drove them to assault several young women. Also in the suprise decision, the grand jury hearing the case handed down an indictment against Eastwood on charges of sexual abuse and inciting a riot.

"It has become apparent to me, in this day and age, that when men grope and fondle young women, they can not be held personally responsible for their actions," said Judge Carol Edmeed, rendering the decision. "Therefore, in the interest of blaming society, it is the opinion of this court that Mr. Eastwood is solely and directly responsible for what transpired in Central Park that day."

Ron Cuby, the defense attorney for both Trevor Britten, 29, of Brooklyn and Julio Cruz, 22, of North Bergen, N.J., revealed at a news conference shortly after the decision that his clients' blamed the "24 Hours of Eastwood" movie marathon, which aired June 10 on the TNT network, for inciting their behavior, in much the same way rap music is blamed for the deaths of several police officers. "Has anyone ever seen "Hang 'em High" and not wanted to shove their fingers into a girl's privates?," asked Cuby in reference to Eastwood's 1967 portrayal of Jed Cooper. "I think in the end, after all the evidence was heard, the jury realized that Clint Eastwood was the real criminal that day."

To date, 53 women have come forward in connection with the June 11 melee to report instances of sexual misconduct or abuse. Although initially none of the 53 women mentioned any contact with Eastwood, after hearing Cuby's defense, several have come forward to express their anger with the Hollywood legend. "I guess I hadn't thought about it before [the hearing], but now it makes perfect sense. Clint Eastwood fondled me," said a clearly distraught Leticia Manuel, 17, one of the victims. "Looking back, I now realize that the hands that pulled down my pants and grabbed my buttocks were actually the hands of the outlaw, Josey Wales." Immediately following Manuel's comments, her lawyer announced that she plans to sue Eastwood for $15 million.

When asked about his clients' accountability, Cuby placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of Eastwood. "Accountability has no place in a court of law. How can anyone, let alone my clients', be accountable for their actions after watching a day's worth of [Eastwood's] movies?" Naomi Woolf, spokeswoman for the National Organization of Women, issued a press release decrying Eastwood's oeuvre as inciteful. "Ron Cuby makes a valid point. As I've said for years, Eastwood movies are the root cause of all evils against women; from genital mutilation to pedophilia. Britten and Cruz are just as much victims as those poor women. It's obvious to me that Clint Eastwood is the one who should be on trial here."

It was also learned that Eastwood has been asked to return the two Oscar statuettes he received, both for the 1992 western Unforgiven. "This man has tarnished Oscar," said Jack Vallenti, president of the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences. "It shames me that we ever nominated such a monster." Vallenti went on to say that he had spoken with Britten and Cruz and that he fully expects the two men to accept his invitation to next year's Oscars ceremony.

When reached by phone for a comment, Mr. Eastwood said simply, "What the hell? I wasn't there. I had nothing to do with it."

"Inspite of Mr. Eastwood's attempts to cloud the issue with a lot of deceptive, technical, mumbo-jumbo, smoke-and-mirrors jargon, it remains clear who's to blame for these attacks," maintained Cuby. "When people see images of Eastwood shooting up a dusty mining town, their inclination is to begin shooting bystanders in Central Park. It's a natural progression," Cuby explained.. "In retrospect, my clients' should be commended for their show of restraint.."

When asked what he thought the future held for Eastwood in the current Hollywood system, Vallenti offered these comments. "It's my contention that as long as studios allow Eastwood to continue making films, young men will continue to have no choice but to rip the clothing off of underage girls. We, as a society, have only ourselves to blame."