After 165 years, it was discovered late last week that the journals of Charles Darwin have been grossly misinterpreted. Darwin's most famous theory, the survival of the fittest, was actually misread during publication. Through computerized re-examination of Darwin's journals chronicling his 1835 voyage to the Galapagos Islands, hand writing experts have determined his theory was meant to be taken as "the survival of the fattest."

Darwin, often referred to as the "father of evolution" due to his ground-breaking theory of natural selection, had spent five years aboard the HMS Beagle recording data on the living creatures he observed. "Darwin was a meticulous researcher," said Dr. Phillip Duvall, Head of Biological Science at Georgetown University, "but as happens so many times with men of science, he was drunk more often than not." Though Darwin's books and journals have yielded invaluable information for centuries, much of it had been misinterpreted or illegible until recently. "We've been able to decipher much more of the documents than ever before due to the latest orthological technology," said William Garrett, chief hand writing expert at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C., where much of Darwin's original journals are housed. "It's only the most drunken of his ramblings with which we've had extreme difficulty."

The misinterpretations have been attributed to Darwin's shaky penmanship, which allowed publishers to mistake the "a" for an "i". "I'm not saying [Darwin] was a raging alcoholic, mind you," said Garrett, winking and motioning with his hand as if swigging from a bottle. "I'm just saying his hand writing was probably effected due to stress, what with those 'man-eating' turtles and all."

The discovery has turned the scientific community on its ear, causing many universities and research labratories across the country to begin burning Darwin's most famous works, "On the Origin of Species" and "The Descent of Man." Darwin's theory of natural selection stated that the strongest survive and propagate, increasing the strength of the species.. "That, as we now know, is a complete misrepresentation of Darwin's liquor-tinged words," said Dr. Max Zuniga, marine biologist at the Darwin Institute located in Port Huron, MI. "I believe what Charles meant was that the strongest survive and proliferate, in size, of course. The man was a genius, albeit a dipsomaniacal genius."

Whether or not the re-interpretation of Darwin's theories will create an evolution in thinking has yet to be determined, but one thing appears certain, the latest revelation has rippled through not only the scientific community but throughout pop culture as well. "Ever since the news broke, my business has dropped off 45 percent," said Evan Nussbaum, a personal trainer in New York City. "I myself have been busy working those love handles back on. I even caught my girlfriend checking out this guy at the bakery the other day just cause he had that killer double-chin look. Dick." We can only wait and see what this latest theory may bring, but already Dr. Duvall has tried to put the re-worded theory into a modern-day context. "We need only look to Rich of CBS' 'Survivor' to discover that Darwin was correct all along," said Dr. Duvall. "That program is a microcosm of our world. A world were only the fattest survive."