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GULIANI SPRAYS FIVE
BOROUGHS WITH CHEMICALS TO GENETICALLY ALTER MOSQUITO LARVAE
Mayor Rudy Guliani,
impressed with the militaristic efficiency with which mosquitoes
in the New York City area have spread the West Nile Virus,
has taken steps to create his own race of "Uber-Mosquitoes."
 To
combat the serious threat to the health of New Yorkers,
Mayor Guliani commenced with sprayings of an insecticide
that kills mosquito larvae in areas where the dead birds
infected with the West Nile virus were discovered. The carpet-fogging
with poisonous insecticide has received much criticism,
however, from New York City residents living in the areas
being sprayed. Residents complained that the spraying left
them sore throats, headaches, and shrunken genitals.
In a press conference
on Thursday, August 17, Mayor Guliani made a proposal to
use a new chemical called "Plasmodium Gulianis Vivax" in
place of the controversial insecticide.
"The new chemical
will genetically alter the mosquito larvae rather than killing
it," Guliani announced. "The new race of super-mosquitoes
will still carry the virus, but will no longer pose a threat
of infecting innocent victims. They will now be useful tools
for enforcing a cleaner, safer New York City."
Guliani produced lab
reports proving that the mosquitoes will do no harm to the
"average New Yorker" obeying the laws and ordinances of
NYC. The more advanced nervous system of the new breed of
mosquitoes will target criminals, the homeless, mobs of
drunken parade-goers, and night-club attendees.
 Along
with lab reports, Mayor Guliani also produced a check-list
for New Yorkers to determine their "risk level" for being
bitten by the new mosquitoes. The checklists will be distributed
along with informational pamphlets in neighborhoods in which
new sprayings will take place. Many New Yorkers have voiced
concern that the "average New Yorker," contrary to type
outlined in Guliani's risk level chart, do not fit the given
profile. The preferred, low-risk profile is given to wealthy
bald white catholic men, tourists, and big fans of Disney
cartoons and products.
Other proposed benefits for the genetically altered mosquitoes:
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Swarms will target smoky bars where
heathen youth are allowed to dance without a proper
Cabaret License. |
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Swarms will also help clear out
Times Square and other tourist areas of business travelers
seeking pornography. |
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Avant-Garde artists will be forced
to to make less offensive artwork for display in NYC
museums. |
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Mosquitoes will step in when cops
fail to take action, as in the case of the Central Park
attacks following the Puerto Rican Parade. |
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Mosquitoes are unable to speak and
therefore cannot testify on behalf of victims of police
brutality. |
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