THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "THOERY" AND 'REALITY"

A small boy came home from school one day and informed his dad that he had to do an essay on the difference between theory and reality. The boy wanted to know if his dad could help him.

"Of course," said dad, "but let me illustrate by analogy." Dad continued, "Go upstairs, son, and ask your sister if she would sleep with any man in the world for a million dollars."

The boy runs upstairs, asks his sister the question and gets a rousing ,"Of course I would; bring him on" from his sister.

The boy duly relates this answer to his father who then tells him, "Now go ask your mother the same question."

Upon being asked the question the boy's mother answers, "Well, the mortgage is late and you kids need new clothes and your father is out of work. You know, son, upon consideration I believe that I have to reluctantly answer, 'yes I would'".

The boy then relates this answer to his father.

"Well there you have it," says the father, "the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we have two million dollars; in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

Dear Jim Bob,
I am writing this slow, cuz I know you can't read too fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of the home, so we moved about 25 miles away.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine! I am not sure how well it works though. Last week I put in a load of clothes and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for 3 days, and the second time for 4 days.

About the coat you wanted me to send; your uncle Billy-Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on; so, we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked the keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took over 2 hours for him to get your father and I out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a vat of whiskey last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned.

We had him cremated. He burned for 3 days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other 2 friends were in the bed of the truck. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the ordinary has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

COLORS STOP!!!!!!

Before you read this decide what your favorite color is. (no looking ahead or changing your mind, either. got it? ok, read on...

Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently-it's the one that mirrors the sexual you.

A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic-not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity-but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick u a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything- including color-so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension-but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate-never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.