Government
cancels holiday, no reason to give thanks
Congress,
last week, pushed through a bill that would strictly prohibit
any outward celebrations of the Thanksgiving holiday.
The bill, which enjoyed bi-partisan support, would make
it illegal for any citizen to express thanks formally,
although spontaneous thanking will continue to go unregulated.
The initial proposal came as a suprise to many on Capitol
Hill, but upon review of the bill, legislators gave their
full support. "It's high time we were honest with the
American people," said Rep. Harrison Fowler (D-NE), "Most
of them don't have shit for which to be thankful. Why
place an extra burden on parents to come up with some
half-assed blessing at the dinner table for the sake of
a few ungrateful kids?" The bill is expected to be ratified
in time to put a halt to any and all Thanksgiving day
festivities.
Following passage of the bill, Macy's department store
was quick to issue a statement supporting Congress' decision.
"We at Macy's wish to affirm our allegiance to these here
United States. Therefore, we will discontinue our annual
Thanksgiving Day Parade, although our practice of bludgeoning
innocent bystanders with streetlights, thus hurling them
headlong into life-threatening comas will continue unabated.
Good day."
When pressed for specifics on their reasons for the bill,
many in Congress were quick to point a finger at the decling
rate of increase of the nation's historic prosperity.
"I've spoken with many of my constituentes who worry that
their portfolios are now suffering only minor increases,"
said Rep. Christine Vorhees (D - CA), echoing the sentiments
of many of her collegues. "My friend at the dry cleaners
spoke of the awful time she and her husband had financing
an SUV for their daughter. There are certain things the
Ying Wu's of our country shouldn't have to do without,
even if her kind isn't welcome here."
Rep. Bob Barr, a Republican from Georgia responded that
his motive for passage of the bill was strictly a matter
of the heart. "I'm disillusioned," said Rep. Barr. "This
whole Anne and Ellen thing really puts it all into perspective,
no? To think, if a Hollywood starlet who was heterosexual
and who's again sleeping with a man couldn't make it work
with a rather butchy television actress, then I don't
know what chance in hell any of us has of ever finding
love."
"What
the fu-? Is this some kind of sick joke?," said Reed Packard,
head of the Cranberry Lobby upon hearing of the bill's
passage. "We live in the most prosperous country in the
world. We're at peace. We've entered into an exciting
technological age. We're actually making progress against
cancer, for chrissake. I could go on and on. I mean, hello?
Does this make sense to anyone?" Reaction to Mr. Packard's
comments was swift. "I understand Reed being upset and
all," said Sen. Strom Thurman (R - SC), "Being that all
his precious cranberry's will go uneaten this year."
Across from the capitol building at Roe's Deli, owner
Roe Sturgis had just learned of the bill's passage and
proved understanding. "I thought we were doing pretty
well, but now that you mention it, I guess I did get kind
of screwed over on that whole millenium fever build-up,"
said Sturgis pensively. "I mean, what kind of a jip was
that. No Thanksgiving, huh? It's about time those bonehead
politicians started earning their keep."
