What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow
down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because
if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard
to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they
don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they
eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in
their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to screw in a light
bulb? ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the
world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man? I can do
so much better.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit
ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife
says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So
men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman? Because you're
always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males
after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?To keep them
from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because
after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize
one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than
for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's
already there
Einstein, Picasso, and Bush
At The Pearly Gates George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo
Picasso have all died.
Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continum,
all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously,
even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The
first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein.
Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein,
but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to,
to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who
you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks,
"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies
with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics
and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is
suitably impressed. "You really 'are' Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint
Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind
if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out
a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures
their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter
claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come
on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter
scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove
their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered,
"Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on
in, George."
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began making unexpected changes to the
accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications
that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Hot-sex 6.9 and Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.
Desperate Wife.
Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command:
C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications:
Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence
2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly"
wave files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body
10.1
Tech Support
 |
I Love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go
on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper
that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I
love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and
jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software; I hug it often though
it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.
I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those
friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today, In clean white coats
to take me away!!!!!
|
Dilbert Axioms
1. I can only please one person per day. Today
is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the
statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't
there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
key.
9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
10. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
11. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,
then beat you with experience.
12. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
13. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going
to get.
14. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry
a clipboard.
15. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
16. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Beemer - $28,000
Fire hose - $300
Knocking the glass out of this idiots car - PRICELESS
While visiting England, George Bush is invited
to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy
is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent
people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions,"
says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.
Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.
Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the
Queen. She hangs up and asks, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using
that one!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd
better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee
to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says,
"Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think
about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately
calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they
puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come
up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin
Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course,
you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White
House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!
It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb
shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Financial Post (Toronto)
Friday Feb. 23, 2001
