Vice president Dick Cheney said that comments he made last week while attending a forum on gender relations were only an attempt to get an early start on April Fools' Day and should not be misconstrued as sexist or defamatory.

The vice president was roundly criticized after he was caught telling an aide to fabricate an appointment in order to leave the forum early. "Get me the hell out of here. Lie if you have to," Cheney can be heard saying on a videotape. "Tell them I have to see my cardiologist or something. All these dikes are making my penis nervous."

The forum, held at the National Organization for Women headquarters in New York City, was viewed by many feminist leaders as an opportunity to communicate the interests and concerns of women across the country in the wake of the controversial presidential election. "It would have been a wonderful chance for us to bridge a gap that we all know exists, but now it's just a great excuse to bitch," said Naomi Wolf, chairwoman of NOW. Her criticisms were echoed throughout the feminist community. "If given the opportunity, I'd stick his penis in a bear trap," said Gloria Steinem, a pioneering voice in the feminist movement.

A day after the incident, a spokeman for Cheney issued a brief statement saying that the accusations against the vice presidant were utterly false and offensive. The following day, after a video tape was released by NOW executives showing Cheney on the dais leaning toward a male aide and clearly exchanging the disreputable comments, Cheney himself held a press conference. "I think the American people have a better sense of humor than to think that I was serious. It was an April Fools' Day gag, for crying out loud," offered Cheney, by way of explanation. When it was pointed out that the forum was a full three weeks before April Fools' Day, Cheney explained that he needed the extra time in order to fit in all his planned gags. "I don't know about you, but for a practical joker such as myself, one day isn't nearly enough time to cram in all my zingers."

Protestors have scheduled a march on Washington D.C. for April 1. Meanwhile, Cheney continues to visit college campuses across the country in an ongoing effort to unite students under the current administration. However, a speech at Berkley University in California was halted Saturday after protestors carrying picket signs that read, "Dick Chain Me," and chanting anti-Cheney slogans flooded the hall where the speech was to take place. In an effort to quell the protests, Cheney took to the podium. "I can relate to where you're coming from, man," said Cheney. "After all, some of my best friends are militant lesbians." After one protestor screamed, "Oh, yeah, like who?" Cheney seemed at a loss for words until finally approaching the edge of the stage to respond, "Your mom!," before suddenly throwing the microphone to the floor and storming offstage, quickly followed by a phalanx of Secret Service agents.

When reached at the White House for a response, Cheney's spokeman said the vice president had, "No comment."