Last Saturday, Cher held her annual garage sale gala, the Bikini Buy-a-Thon, on the side walk fronting her Malibu, CA estate. Although attendance was lower than expected, Cher managed to sell most of her emotionally depreciated junk to b-list celebrities, tourists, and scenesters. Hotly contested items included a gently used cuisinart, a one of a kind gold lame dress by Bob Mackie that was worn on the Sonny and Cher show, and a signed LP single of Cher and Neil Diamond's celebrated bicentennial medley.

Scott Baio was first on the scene, hoping that Cher could sell him a career. Realizing that wasn't going to happen, Scott purchased Cher's gay fans, hopped into his bitchin' camero, and drove off to Wal-Mart to launch his Fresh Guy by Scott Baio line of menswear.

Later in the afternoon, the Kansas City Burkhart clan pulled up in their Winnie, after following a map of stars homes they bought at Hollywood and Vine. Ms. Burkhart, a seasoned garage sale veteran and hard as nails negotiator, started scoping Cher's wares with her church rummage sale schooled eyes. Knowing that she must have the silver glitter hot pants, Ms. Burkhart approached Cher, who was lounging poolside in a yellow bikini. The following exchange was overhead as Ms. Burkhart tried to negotiate the price down from $50.00:

"Hi Ms. Cher, do you really need $50 for these precious little hot pants?"
"Do you believe in life after love?" replied Cher.
"Why I don't know Ms. Cher. Isn't your Bikini Buy-a-Thon an improper time for pop philosophy?"
"There ain't nothing sadder than a one man woman crying for the man that got away," Cher replied.
"Well. Will you take $10 for the hot pants?" asked Ms. Burkhart.
Cher, a total mess in her state of confused confusion, could only reply, "If I could turn back time, if I could find a way I'd take back those words that hurt you, and you'd stay."

As Ms. Burkhart prepared to barter her hemp sandals on top of her 10 bucks, a pool boy approached Cher and started slathering lotion on her shoulders. Ms. Burkhard, alarmed by the ravenous sexual glint that began to grow in Cher's eyes retreated to her van.

Next stop, Joan River's "I found it in the cracks" sale!