Beer Warning:
Due to increasing products liability litigation,
American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that
the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer
containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave
you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. (Apparently
this has happened to several people?!)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone
them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite
sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting
your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better
looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and
sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually
CAUSE pregnancy.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that
said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she
had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters
returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house,
new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the
woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church
and on being told that there was a fortune in horse-racing,
decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price
for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and
enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The
next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that
he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper
read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another
race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S
ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered
the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided
to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS
BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR
$10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered
the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES
HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right.
But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the
glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I
shot her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately
called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police,
and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver:
Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who''s car is this? Driver: It's mine,
officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box
so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure
enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I
was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. The trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who
stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole
the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead
body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of-a-bitch
told you I was speeding, too.
Hey, boss I not come work today. I really sick.
I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need
you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her
to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work.
You should try that."
Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what
you said and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
