Feud for Thought

On February 25, the posses of rappers Foxy Brown and Lil' Kim engaged in a gunfight outside a New York City hip-hop radio station. A bystander was injured during the shootout. Since then, several more incidents have occured involving Brown and Kim or members of their entourages. A partial list:

2/28/01	An ashtray is discovered missing from the lobby of the recording studio in which Brown is recording her upcoming album. No one observed the theft, but a witness claims to have seen "a black, or maybe just very tan, man" in the area. Brown suspects Kim is involved and vows revenge. The wrath of her ancestors is awakened.
3/4/01	After piping a "shitload" of general anesthetic into Kim's residence, a crack team of Brown-employed surgeons enter and replace Kim's heart with the heart of a retarded donkey. A spokesperson for Kim says, "she is doing well and is surprisingly skanky at this time. We expect her to be up and shakin' that ass-heart in no time."
3/18/01	Kim releases a hastily cut single entitled, "Give Me Back My Heart." The song includes the lyrics, "You suck, you fuck, you shit, you fart, but/Give me back my heart, you cum-bag, bitch-ass, crack-ho, slut." In a guest editorial to the New York Times, Brown calls the lyrics "innapropriate and offensive to women."
4/2/01	Brown's marketing team announces the arrival in stores of their new Foxy Brown action figure. The six-inch plastic toy "could kick Kim's ass up and down Broadway" and "features kung-fu grip, whatever that means." In a pinch, it can also double as a dildo. Batteries not included. Hair, clothes and accessories sold separately. Some assembly required. Ages 3 and up.
5/7/01	While unloading her washing machine, Brown discovers that her favorite red cashmere sweater has been thrown in with her whites. The sweater has to be thrown away, and all of her "pristine cotton unmentionables" are forever stained the color of blood.
5/30/01	Kim appears on MTV's Total Request Live wearing the shrunken sweater, which "looks fucking great on her." Carson Daly continues to be completely uninteresting in every way.
6/11/01	Brown begins to suffer random aches and pains. Doctors are unable to find any cause and attribute them to voodoo. Authorities are thwarted in their attempts to track down the responsible shaman because of the widespread availability of Foxy Brown dolls/dildos. Nevertheless, Brown believes Kim to be the culprit and begins drafting a ten-year plan for becoming "the world's foremost and only female rap source." A prospectus is mailed to potential investors.
6/24/01	A new one-woman off-Broadway show opens starring Lil' Kim. Written and directed by the diminutive rapper, "Postapocalipstick" is a smash hit and a critical darling. The show is widely interpreted as a scathing satire of Foxy Brown's life and music. Albert Brooks says, "If I had thought it was possible to create such a powerful story using only mime and plastic explosives, I would've done it long ago. I may do it yet."
7/9/01	Kim's longtime boyfriend, Russell Crowe, is kidnapped. Sinn Fein, the PLO and followers of Osama Bin Laden all rush to take credit, but DNA evidence from the crime scene points directly to Brown. When a ransom of $200,000,000 is refused, Crowe's pinky toes arrive by FedEx. A lesser but undisclosed amount is eventually paid for his return. Probably like five bucks.
8/24/01	While driving on a curvy mountain road, Brown discovers a Lil' Kim CD in the vehicle's stereo. She knows she is in danger. The brakes have been tampered with and the car is traveling much too fast to navigate the sharp turns ahead. Brown decides to jump from the car but her heavy gold necklaces have become entangled in the steering wheel. The car plunges off a high cliff. Did Foxy escape? or did she fall to her untimely death? Tune in next week for the further adventures of Kim-N-Foxy: Dueling Divas.