George Carlin Imponderables:
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section
in a swimming pool?
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee
Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys
it?
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
becomes disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me. they're cramming for their final
exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Some incredibly strange trivia
Did you know...
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your
heart
stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported
a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand(or attempted
to
do
so - apart from Bones).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti
especially
for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and
spend
two
weeks kissing in their lifetime.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
telephone
call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue
twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress
a
sneeze,
you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
million
descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear
by 700 times.
If the U.S. government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title
14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,
1969,
make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
extraterrestrials
or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already
married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting
on
them
and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70
assorted
insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
Little Johnny
Philosophy
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the
first gun shot." The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny
replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I
like your thinking."
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the
fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!
English
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers,
me, me!' Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your
multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers
smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny
says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job".
Grammar
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed
to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a
piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on
little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father
that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful...just fucking beautiful!'"
